Breaking the Power of Shame by Beth Claes

The first response to sin, going all the way back to Genesis 3, was shame. After their disobedience, Adam and Eve hid from God. And it is a story we are all prone to repeating in our own lives. Hiding and shame are our natural responses to our own sin, as well as the ways we are sinned against by others. We all war with this to some degree. But for some of us, it becomes a way of life. We begin to believe that if parts of our hearts and lives were seen or known, we would be utterly finished.

I understand that response because I have lived it. I am familiar with the inclination toward hiding anything that feels vulnerable – insecurities, sin struggles, desires, and pain. But it doesn’t stop there. Our relationships with others often reflect how we relate to God. When shame controls us, we try to control the image of ourselves that we present to God, and we hold back the parts that are most in need of him.

This is a battle I fight continually, but it doesn’t control me the way it once did. Finding healing from the depth of my shame is probably one of the parts of my story that gives me the greatest joy. When I remember how lost, full of fear, and self-loathing I once felt – I can’t help but adore the One who saved me that much more.

But how did that happen?

What if you resonate with parts of this? What if hiding feels safer than authentic openness? What if the idea of being fully seen by God and others scares you?

You are not alone, my friend. The gospel is good news for those who hide and bear the weight of shame. But how exactly does Christ heal the brokenness you feel? How do you leave an identity of hiding behind, for one filled with authenticity and freedom?

There is no 12 step plan here, but there is a God who welcomes all who would seek him. From the chapters of my own story, here are some of the paths from which I find hope and healing.

#1

First, I would suggest that you pray very honestly (Psalm 62:8). Talk with God about what you really feel and what you fear. During a time when I was ruled by shame, I remember one day finally coming to terms with the idea that I couldn’t actually hide from God. But it didn’t lead to a beautiful homecoming or the embrace of the Father with a prodigal – at least not right away. No, my resignation to truth was more like defiantly stomping out into the open, and yelling at God that FINE, he could have me! I told him to just get it over with and do his worst. I was sure it was coming. It felt like exposure of the worst kind.

I know that sounds dramatic, but it is truly how I felt- I was terrified and angry. But looking back, I think even my aggressive, fear-filled surrender was a turning point. Because as I turned toward God telling him what I felt about him and myself, I was inviting him to be a part of my life. I was talking to him. I told him that I felt safer with him at a distance. I also asked for his help, while in the same breath admitting I wasn’t sure I wanted it.

It was messy, but I was finally inviting God in (even if it was, “to do his worst”) – and as I did, I was amazed that instead of rejecting or cursing me, he seemed to come closer to me (James 4:8). To this day, when I feel that familiar desire to hide, I try to treat it like an alarm that reminds me to go before the Lord and share my heart with him. I want it to be the signal that compels me to the very opposite of what I once used to do.

#2

The second way out of patterns of hiding is related: Freedom is found in confession (1 John 1:9). Once you start praying honestly with God, there is a natural movement toward confession. In my genuine honesty, I can’t deny the ugly realities of my heart and life.

During that season of painful surrendering to God, it was true that I wanted a life without him, so I told him that. I thought I couldn’t trust him, and that I knew better than him. I told him that too. And eventually my honesty led to acknowledgement of my guilt – the depth of my pride that drove my complaints against God. I asked him to forgive me, even though at the time I still loved my sin more than I loved him.

In those moments I couldn’t fully grasp the goodness of his forgiveness, but God always meets us where we are. He offers us grace even when we aren’t convinced that we need it- through his Word and people around us. I found encouragement in Ephesians 1 and 2, especially verses like 2:4-5 – But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—  

It is his continual kindness leads to genuine repentance (Romans 2:4).

#3

Another path that proved helpful was learning to orient my heart toward who God is and to speak truth to myself. Shame is consumed with itself. Hiding is self-obsessed. In order to change this pattern we need to change our focus and fill our minds with truth about who God is – even if we struggle to believe it.

I find relief from my inclinations toward self-obsession by studying God’s Word to understand who he is. I remind myself that God is trustworthy (Hebrews 10:23; Lamentations 3:22-23). He does not delight in my suffering – he came and painfully died because of sin and the suffering it produces (Isaiah 53:5). He is patient and gracious toward me (Psalm 103:8). I speak these biblical truths to myself, acknowledging that they do not always feel real to me, and asking for God’s help to see them as true. He is faithful in shifting my heart toward himself – and knowing, understanding, and worshipping him.

#4

Finally, I would urge anyone who battles with hiding to bring another Christ-follower along with them. Shame loves darkness. As you pour your heart out to the Lord, engage in confession, and remind yourself of biblical truth – do the same alongside a trusted friend or counselor. First John 1:5-7 reminds us to walk in the light in fellowship with one another, which includes shared confession and mutual encouragement.

If the desire to hide drives your behavior, I want to assure you of the great hope and freedom we have in Christ. When your shame is deep, God’s grace is deeper still. We are fully known and loved by him. His kindness and mercy extends to all who seek him. He comes close to the weak, the vulnerable, and depraved. His love is vast. He, from whom I used to hide, hasbecome my refuge.

“My chains are gone, I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood his mercy brings
Unending love, amazing grace.”